Mental Attitude

This is week 4 of Boot Camp, which means, it. Is. Hard. The pep talk touched on mental challenges, no not that way, but how we allow our mind to limit us in so many ways. I've always said that anything I do, is driven by my mind, what I think I can do, and what I think I can't do. If I think I can't do something, chances are, I won't do it because I've already convinced myself that I can't. However, if I think I can, if I believe I can, I will, no matter how impossible it may seem (to a point). So today, as we were running suicide drills, my body started to feel "lightheaded", "short of breath" (hello, we were running), and almost as if my vision was tunneled. Now, was I really feeling like this physically, because I just didn't want to do this, or was I really feeling this way because I hadn't had enough to eat. Maybe a little of both, but I thought, "no, this is not going to beat me, I am going to give my 100% of what I have, however large or small that is". I got right back in there, continued the drills, and they did not get any easier, rather, they got harder as I tired more and more. But, I did it! Perhaps it wasn't even pretty, but I came out on top. I was proud of myself, and my team, as we all persevered and finished strong! Two more classes of week 4, and we start over again next week at the beginning! I feel stronger, I feel capable (most of the time), and mentally, I feel more focused & my endurance has increased. Oh, and I did 22 push ups, too! I've also started logging my food on the My Fitness Pal app, and it has made me more aware of how much I am eating, and what I am eating. It is an eye opener, and I am committed to log everything, no matter how unhealthy or boozey, because, hey, I am only cheating myself, right? I also ordered a FitBit to track my exercise, as if Boot Camp wasn't enough! Anyway, talk soon...

Another Friday Night

Not sure what is going on with my knee, but this is the second week that I am in pain. It started on or about Labor Day, laying pavers. At first, I thought it was the bending down/over to pick them up, but I thought I was careful to use correct form, you know, use the legs not the back to lift. Maybe what I thought I was doing right, I was doing wrong. I continued doing Boot Camp, because, quite honestly, when I am active, it doesn't hurt. It is when I sit for long periods of time, read: work, that it stiffens up. The suckiest part of this is that now it is BOTH knees that are messed up. Don't get old, my friends, don't get old! This week's Boot Camp still had a fair amount of running, though mostly strength, and today, we did Power Yoga. Don't get me wrong, it was still a workout, still got the heart rate up, and lots of stretching. We had a pep talk, but no sharing. I kind of missed that part. The other "odd" thing I noticed was when we were in savasana, and Carie was providing a meditation, I felt an emotional release. I had to tamp it down. That hasn't happened to me before in yoga. Full moon tonight, and it was HUGE! It started coming up behind the Rincons as I was driving home from Boot Camp, and by the time I got home, it was high enough that I could see it through my living room windows. I wish I could have sat outside, nice cool evening, but being the big ol' fraidy cat I am, here I am, 8:30 pm on a Friday night, with the alarm already armed. Welcome to my boring life! Two soccer games tomorrow, early enough to bypass the heat, I hope. Then on to mom's, whose TV is on the blink. She has asked me to call a repair shop to check it out, but quite honestly, it may be less expensive to just buy a new one. Flat screens are not that expensive any more, and due to the age of the broken one, it may be more economical in the long run. Of course, they just replaced their refrigerator earlier in the week to the tune of $1K, so maybe not! Talk soon...

Another Friday Night

Not sure what is going on with my knee, but this is the second week that I am in pain. It started on or about Labor Day, laying pavers. At first, I thought it was the bending down/over to pick them up, but I thought I was careful to use correct form, you know, use the legs not the back to lift. Maybe what I thought I was doing right, I was doing wrong. I continued doing Boot Camp, because, quite honestly, when I am active, it doesn't hurt. It is when I sit for long periods of time, read: work, that it stiffens up. The suckiest part of this is that now it is BOTH knees that are messed up. Don't get old, my friends, don't get old! This week's Boot Camp still had a fair amount of running, though mostly strength, and today, we did Power Yoga. Don't get me wrong, it was still a workout, still got the heart rate up, and lots of stretching. We had a pep talk, but no sharing. I kind of missed that part. The other "odd" thing I noticed was when we were in savasana, and Carie was providing a meditation, I felt an emotional release. I had to tamp it down. That hasn't happened to me before in yoga. Full moon tonight, and it was HUGE! It started coming up behind the Rincons as I was driving home from Boot Camp, and by the time I got home, it was high enough that I could see it through my living room windows. I wish I could have sat outside, nice cool evening, but being the big ol' fraidy cat I am, here I am, 8:30 pm on a Friday night, with the alarm already armed. Welcome to my boring life! Two soccer games tomorrow, early enough to bypass the heat, I hope. Then on to mom's, whose TV is on the blink. She has asked me to call a repair shop to check it out, but quite honestly, it may be less expensive to just buy a new one. Flat screens are not that expensive any more, and due to the age of the broken one, it may be more economical in the long run. Of course, they just replaced their refrigerator earlier in the week to the tune of $1K, so maybe not! Talk soon...

22/22

A couple of weeks ago, or really only 20 days ago, I was challenged to do 22 push up per day for 22 days. What? I can't even do ONE push up off my knees, and even then, I am unable to go all the way chest to the ground. What possessed me to think I could do this this challenge? Oh, and, the rule was to videotape it and post it on Facebook! I accepted the challenge, because to be tagged and not do it, would have been worse, especially by Facebook standards. So here I am 20 days in, only 2 more days to go. But this isn't about me. The challenge was accepted to bring awareness to the cause that 22 veterans take their lives every day. More suffer from PTSD, and could, very likely, become a statistic. I have to say that this touched me deeply. Not only were my dad and tata, both veterans, my niece's husband is a vet, my cousin is currently active military, another cousin's son just completed boot camp last month. I was just talking to my 15 year old grandson this past weekend, and he talked about joining the military. I never knew he had that inkling! I have to say, though, I am very proud of him, he is already thinking about his future. Perhaps because 9/11 is just a couple of days away, the US suffered its worst terrorist attach on home soil, I am just feeling more patriotic than usual. I don't fly a flag (my dad does), but I can't even get through the Star Spangled Banner at sporting events without choking up. Anyway, I am almost done with the 22 days, and I am not quite sure how I will feel about it once it is complete. I do believe I will continue to do the 22 pushups per day, I just won't be posting it on FB, but surely, I will be thinking about the reason why I started doing them in the first place. Talk soon...

Sink your teeth in & run...

I did not want to go to Boot Camp today! I had a cavity filled this morning, blahblahblah; I was in pain (I really wasn't after I took an Ibuprofin) blahblahblah; while I wasn't feeling 100%, I wasn't feeling bad enough not to go to class. When I got my Coach's post to bring only weights, well, that could only mean ONE thing, we were going to run...A LOT! So again, the feeling of "how can I get out of this?" crept in. Running could cause my teeth to rattle, what if the cavity filling fell out? What if my knee started to hurt? What if, what if, what if? There were so many excuses looming in my mind, surely one of those would excuse me. But, alas, I went to class, knowing full well that I was feeling perfectly fine, and if I did find some excuse to not go, I would have felt so bad about myself. I would have let ME down! Isn't that the whole point of getting fit, working out, eating semi-healthy, to focus and maybe be a little selfish for myself? I am sure I am not the only camper who maybe felt the same way. So we ran, then we ran some more, then we ran even more. In total, we ran about 3 miles. Really? I was crying about that?? And I feel great! The adage, "winners never quit, and quitters never win", kicked in. I am not a quitter, especially on myself. Talk soon...

What matter's?

In as much as I say I've changed, I haven't, really. Oh, at times I do feel that I've learned from, not only my mistakes, but my successes, as well. Each stumble and fall, has been a lesson. Each victory, has been a lesson. Then how can I say I haven't changed? Well, I seem to fall into the same patterns, when it comes to the self talk in my head. Those old messages that plague me to this day, seem to be on constant replay. I can't even say the negativity were words that were actually spoken to me, rather, actions, or my perception of situations, created the belief system I currently possess, my world view, if you will. We talked in class a few days ago about knowing our place, whether in our family, our team, in life, the world. Considering the big scheme of things, we are insignificant. The sea, the mountains, nature all around us, inhabited the earth since way before we were here, and long after we are gone, these things will continue to exist. The mountains may erode, the seas may lose or gain moisture according to the global warming folks, but for the most part, they will continue. That is how insignificant we are in comparison. However, in our family, in our community, we matter, we are significant. Reminds me of the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life", which I admit I have never watched all the way through, but I get the premise. Had the main guy never been born, how different the lives of his loved ones would have been. Sometimes I feel that I don't matter to anyone, but I know that is simply not true. We just get wrapped in our daily life, all of us, and we are either too tired or run out of time, to catch up with those that we love the most, our family. I do call my mom every single day, for no reason other than to ask how they are doing. That's all. I don't need anything, I am not asking for anything, I just want to say hi, check in. That is significant, not just to me, but I know it is important to my parents as well. I have spent more time with them lately than I have in the past, and while it still isn't enough, for I know that one day, they will both be gone, and I will long for these daily conversations. I question myself, "is it enough?" Probably not, but I am giving it my best. At the end of the day, that matters. I know I rambled, but I just needed to write, even if it was just words to a page, nonsense. Talk soon...

Marriage, Pawns & Appendectomies

It has been a whirlwind couple of days. It started when I learned of Airas' emergency appendectomy last Thursday, 7/21/16. I feared for him, the surgery, the recovery, his overall wellness. He is 10 years old. His age, actually, is his advantage. Young, fit, in otherwise good health, I am confident that he will bounce back in no time. For now, I/we have to be patient, and allow the healing process to take its course. This brought back so many memories of Chris' appendectomy 36 years ago. Chris was 3 when it happened to him. Chris' had already ruptured, and had become toxic in his little body. His emergency procedure affected us all deeply. I just remember that helpless feeling of my son being wheeled into the operating room, and there was nothing I could do to help him. Even when they were trying to locate a vein to insert the IV, his ankle was the best site, the blood squirting out of his tiny leg, onto the ceiling, was harrowing. My eyes meeting his, begging me, "mom, help me", and I couldn't. He was in the hospital for 8 days, the poison being pumped from his body, an ugly green substance that, to this day, is a shade of green I'll never forget. I am sure Chris and Christina feel helpless, too. They are both exhausted. Airas is tired, in pain, and just wants to come home. Soon, honey, soon! Same day, earlier in the day, I learned my brother and his wife had "separated". Per my mom, they got into an argument, and he left. Oh, I didn't think it was permanent. I know they've been having issues, he doesn't help, he is irresponsible, etc. She works too much, she is stubborn, she doesn't let anyone "give her any shit"! Well, long story, short, they didn't split up, just a spat, time will heal them. After one year of marriage, a tough one at that, they are both older, Cisco's first marriage, she was on her own for quite a while, independent, strong, yet, they are good for each other. They share much of the same interests. If they can just hang in there, they will become comfortable with each other, learn from each other, and have a long, happy life together. They have to make each other, their marriage, a priority. As if all of the above wasn't enough for one day, mom and dad finally executed their Revocable Family Trust. This began at the end of June, Mom and dad approached me to start the ball rolling to settle this. They had already decided how their assets would be distributed, and they were both adamant and united in their wishes. I will do my very best to carry out their final decisions. The cliche comes to mind, "they taught me so many things, but they never taught me how to live without them". I don't know how I will do that. As for me, right now, my life is pretty stress free. How? Its a choice.

Start Overs

So here I am, 18, 12, or is it 5 this time, years later, of a new beginning. A start-over, again. Seems I have had a few of those lately. Eighteen years ago, my first marriage fell apart. I know no one goes into a marriage thinking it is going to end. No, most people truly believe this will last forever, til death do us part, blah blah blah. Then one day, I woke up realizing that it was all a big, fat lie, and it really had been over long before I walked out the door. I never looked back. Start over #1. I was so happy to be out of that situation, I thought I was bad-ass because I was finally "on my own". Are we really ever really "on our own"? I had help from a great job that allowed me to get my own place, an apartment. Now I could finally say, "my apartment". A totally foreign concept to me, but I loved it. I could finally decorate it however I damn well pleased. Not that I had much, I didn't, but I made it my own. Thanks to my really great job and stock options, I was able to even buy a place of my own. A double wide manufactured home on an acre of land, no less! I absolutely loved it! What I didn't enjoy was the one hour commute to work, but I got used to it. The funny thing is that while I loved the rural lifestyle, and by myself, I didn't know to be afraid, of ?? anything, nothing. Bad guys, robbers, wild animals, eh, whatever. Start over #2. After a while of being alone, reclusive, isolated, I ventured out into the online dating world. I really only met one guy, who would be husband #2. I know I married him for all the wrong reasons, but he was good to me, supportive, loving, generous, everything I wanted in a partner. EXCEPT, he was boring. Oh, not at first, because, well, I was invested, I wanted this to work. I never wanted to be "that woman" who was married a bunch of times, and was still single. We stayed married for 9 years (12 total), then I left. I just wasn't happy, and I don't think he was either. He said he was, but how could he be, we never did anything. He was content with staying home, laying on the couch watching NASCAR and golf. I despise TV. I think it is such a waste of time when more productive things can be accomplished. I exaggerate a bit, we did go on nice vacations every year, and I did enjoy myself. As I said, he was a kind and generous man, he saved me from myself, helped me to fix me, and my world view. I wanted for nothing, except happiness. I finally realized only I could make myself happy, and it was not in that marriage. I did return for 6 months at one point, but I had changed, he hadn't. And it was ok. So I left again. Start over #3. Now, five years later, someone had come into my life. Someone I'd known for over 35+ years, an family friend you might say. The most obvious thing happened. I became me. While I was still a mom, nana, sister, daughter, to others, I was finally able to just be me. No masks, no facade, no pretending to be something I wasn't. I just became who I was meant to be. I am not perfect, there are some things I wish I could change about myself, and that old clock is ever ticking, but I am pretty happy and grateful. Start over #4. There is a lot I have left out, but I wanted to pen the highlights, the turning points, that have brought me to this place. The road has been rough in some places, smooth in others. What I know is that I am exactly in the place I am supposed to be at this time in my life. Start over #5?