Start Overs

So here I am, 18, 12, or is it 5 this time, years later, of a new beginning. A start-over, again. Seems I have had a few of those lately. Eighteen years ago, my first marriage fell apart. I know no one goes into a marriage thinking it is going to end. No, most people truly believe this will last forever, til death do us part, blah blah blah. Then one day, I woke up realizing that it was all a big, fat lie, and it really had been over long before I walked out the door. I never looked back. Start over #1. I was so happy to be out of that situation, I thought I was bad-ass because I was finally "on my own". Are we really ever really "on our own"? I had help from a great job that allowed me to get my own place, an apartment. Now I could finally say, "my apartment". A totally foreign concept to me, but I loved it. I could finally decorate it however I damn well pleased. Not that I had much, I didn't, but I made it my own. Thanks to my really great job and stock options, I was able to even buy a place of my own. A double wide manufactured home on an acre of land, no less! I absolutely loved it! What I didn't enjoy was the one hour commute to work, but I got used to it. The funny thing is that while I loved the rural lifestyle, and by myself, I didn't know to be afraid, of ?? anything, nothing. Bad guys, robbers, wild animals, eh, whatever. Start over #2. After a while of being alone, reclusive, isolated, I ventured out into the online dating world. I really only met one guy, who would be husband #2. I know I married him for all the wrong reasons, but he was good to me, supportive, loving, generous, everything I wanted in a partner. EXCEPT, he was boring. Oh, not at first, because, well, I was invested, I wanted this to work. I never wanted to be "that woman" who was married a bunch of times, and was still single. We stayed married for 9 years (12 total), then I left. I just wasn't happy, and I don't think he was either. He said he was, but how could he be, we never did anything. He was content with staying home, laying on the couch watching NASCAR and golf. I despise TV. I think it is such a waste of time when more productive things can be accomplished. I exaggerate a bit, we did go on nice vacations every year, and I did enjoy myself. As I said, he was a kind and generous man, he saved me from myself, helped me to fix me, and my world view. I wanted for nothing, except happiness. I finally realized only I could make myself happy, and it was not in that marriage. I did return for 6 months at one point, but I had changed, he hadn't. And it was ok. So I left again. Start over #3. Now, five years later, someone had come into my life. Someone I'd known for over 35+ years, an family friend you might say. The most obvious thing happened. I became me. While I was still a mom, nana, sister, daughter, to others, I was finally able to just be me. No masks, no facade, no pretending to be something I wasn't. I just became who I was meant to be. I am not perfect, there are some things I wish I could change about myself, and that old clock is ever ticking, but I am pretty happy and grateful. Start over #4. There is a lot I have left out, but I wanted to pen the highlights, the turning points, that have brought me to this place. The road has been rough in some places, smooth in others. What I know is that I am exactly in the place I am supposed to be at this time in my life. Start over #5?