What am I missing...

Boot camp today was HARD! The humidity was out of this world, it was hot, too, maybe I just wasn't feeling it, or the routine was just plain hard, OR all of the above. Not that I would have, but for the first time in 16 months I doubted I could do it. I didn't like that feeling at all! I finished the class, after talking myself through it, one exercise, one rep at a time. And now, here I am at home, showered, a healthy dinner in my tummy, a nice storm outside, some low rumbling thunder, every now and then flash of lightning. Just another Friday night, and here I am, home. Welcome to my life! I was feeling kind of blue earlier as I was warming up my dinner. Do I miss some things like going out, going to the movies, having a drink with someone, out, maybe just companionship of someone to talk to. Maybe. Intimacy, yes, and though intimacy comes in many different forms, not just the physical, although I miss that too, if truth be told. Am I missing something? Is life passing me by, and I'm not on the ride? I've actually been feeling something is missing, but I can't put my finger on it, or figure out what it is. I do know there is a lesson in this feeling. I am paying attention. In the silence and stillness, the answer will come. Talk soon...

Where have I been?

To put it mildly, life happened to me. All the drama, busyness, stress (most of it self-imposed), and such! Starting with soccer. Both Anthony and Ailani play soccer, a sport they both love. Come to think of it, I am quite enjoying it too! I love watching them play. Ailani is playing on an all girl team, and to see each of the girls grow, evolve, not just with their soccer skills, but mature as young ladies. Of course, there are times their 11-12ishness comes out, and I have to remind myself that I was once that age...a very long time ago. It has to be hard being 11 years old, female, and competing in a typically male dominated sport. I remember when Ailani played co-ed, and the boys were so mean. They hardly passed to the girls, and if the girls made a mistake (come on, they're 11!), they would not hesitate to call them out. Yet, when their male counter parts made a mistake, oh wait, they didn't make mistakes! Anthony, on the other hand, plays with a group of really talented, highly competitive young men, about 13-14 years old. Each one has a large personality, but there isn't any ego, each brings a gift to the table (or soccer field), and each is respected for that contribution. Anthony just started playing last year, and has a long way to go to be at the level of the other boys, but he plays with heart. His team mates have embraced him, and respect his contribution. There have been a couple of games where the Spartans have been ahead by at least 5 points, so coach will "red light" the team, meaning just dribble on the field, but do not score again, until he gives the "green light" to do so. It has been on those occasions that Operation Anthony comes into play. The team will strategically execute, and allow Anthony to score! GGGGOOOOOAAAALLL!! It gives him such a confidence boost! I also respect Coach Gus & Coach Gabe, both have embraced Anthony, taken him under their wing, and will make a soccer player out of him yet! I absolutely love watching both of these kids play a sport I hardly understand. Airas is playing basketball with the YMCA. I also enjoy watching him play. His games only last an hour, and are played all over town. I haven't quite bonded with the parents, like I have with the soccer parents, after all, I am a grandparent not a parent, but I do have an official team t-shirt, so I guess that makes me a groupie! I feel sometimes that Chris puts a lot of pressure on Airas, or Airas puts it on himself wanting to please his dad. I lived that life when Chris was pressured in the same way. What can I do? Why can't he just play the sport he loves and have FUN?? My parents, thank God, are doing well, still going to the casino every Sunday, and sometimes during the week as well. They are quite savvy on which slot machine pay "good", and which ones do not! They don't get the whole gambling concept, that it is all by chance, no they "know". And maybe they do, they don't make a ton of money, but they rarely come home with less than $100 each in their pockets. Their winnings allow them to play again, so no dipping into their "real" money! They are a trip! Work continues to be stressful, busy, and while I have taken some time off this year, it isn't enough to refresh, renew, recycle myself. I end up returning to work to over 400 e-mails, and it is virtually impossible to catch up. One e-mail at a time is all I can do, right? Speaking of time off, as a family, we are going to Las Vegas end of July to celebrate mom & dad's 60th wedding anniversary! They will probably outlast us at the slots, and certainly in winning, but I am looking forward to making memories with the fam bam! Hope we still like each other when we return.

January Ends

Here it is almost the end of the first month of the new year. Time is just flying by, literally! I read somewhere, that the closer we get to the "end" of our life, whenever that is, time appears to go faster, because, well, we are closer to the end of our life. I remember when I hit 50, it was the realization that I had already lived OVER half of my life. I was closer to the end of my life than to the beginning of it. I accept, because what choice do I have, that the end of my life is imminent. Death & taxes! Oh by the way, tax season is upon us. UGH! The whole election process this year has made me more aware of how the outcome affects me. While I feel so very fortunate to have a job, and basically support myself, what does my future hold? I am single income so I don't see retirement in my near future, but, physically, how long can my body hold out, what about my mind? The reality is that I can't do massage, not physically, and at this point, I have forgotten so much of what I learned that I really don't feel comfortable giving someone a massage, and be confident that I am addressing the client's needs. Besides, I have not renewed my AMTA insurance (costs money), and my AZ massage license expires in June (more money). In order to renew my MT license, I have to take CEU's, yet, more money! It is cost prohibitive to absorb all these costs! Anyway, getting back to the election, Trump will never be my president. I don't like what he stands for, his total lack of integrity, he is a liar, is not in touch with us, the American people, and he is basically, a narcissist. I feel I had to unfollow some FB friends, I just don't want to read that type of rhetoric, not on my page. My choice.