Marriage, Pawns & Appendectomies

It has been a whirlwind couple of days. It started when I learned of Airas' emergency appendectomy last Thursday, 7/21/16. I feared for him, the surgery, the recovery, his overall wellness. He is 10 years old. His age, actually, is his advantage. Young, fit, in otherwise good health, I am confident that he will bounce back in no time. For now, I/we have to be patient, and allow the healing process to take its course. This brought back so many memories of Chris' appendectomy 36 years ago. Chris was 3 when it happened to him. Chris' had already ruptured, and had become toxic in his little body. His emergency procedure affected us all deeply. I just remember that helpless feeling of my son being wheeled into the operating room, and there was nothing I could do to help him. Even when they were trying to locate a vein to insert the IV, his ankle was the best site, the blood squirting out of his tiny leg, onto the ceiling, was harrowing. My eyes meeting his, begging me, "mom, help me", and I couldn't. He was in the hospital for 8 days, the poison being pumped from his body, an ugly green substance that, to this day, is a shade of green I'll never forget. I am sure Chris and Christina feel helpless, too. They are both exhausted. Airas is tired, in pain, and just wants to come home. Soon, honey, soon! Same day, earlier in the day, I learned my brother and his wife had "separated". Per my mom, they got into an argument, and he left. Oh, I didn't think it was permanent. I know they've been having issues, he doesn't help, he is irresponsible, etc. She works too much, she is stubborn, she doesn't let anyone "give her any shit"! Well, long story, short, they didn't split up, just a spat, time will heal them. After one year of marriage, a tough one at that, they are both older, Cisco's first marriage, she was on her own for quite a while, independent, strong, yet, they are good for each other. They share much of the same interests. If they can just hang in there, they will become comfortable with each other, learn from each other, and have a long, happy life together. They have to make each other, their marriage, a priority. As if all of the above wasn't enough for one day, mom and dad finally executed their Revocable Family Trust. This began at the end of June, Mom and dad approached me to start the ball rolling to settle this. They had already decided how their assets would be distributed, and they were both adamant and united in their wishes. I will do my very best to carry out their final decisions. The cliche comes to mind, "they taught me so many things, but they never taught me how to live without them". I don't know how I will do that. As for me, right now, my life is pretty stress free. How? Its a choice.

Start Overs

So here I am, 18, 12, or is it 5 this time, years later, of a new beginning. A start-over, again. Seems I have had a few of those lately. Eighteen years ago, my first marriage fell apart. I know no one goes into a marriage thinking it is going to end. No, most people truly believe this will last forever, til death do us part, blah blah blah. Then one day, I woke up realizing that it was all a big, fat lie, and it really had been over long before I walked out the door. I never looked back. Start over #1. I was so happy to be out of that situation, I thought I was bad-ass because I was finally "on my own". Are we really ever really "on our own"? I had help from a great job that allowed me to get my own place, an apartment. Now I could finally say, "my apartment". A totally foreign concept to me, but I loved it. I could finally decorate it however I damn well pleased. Not that I had much, I didn't, but I made it my own. Thanks to my really great job and stock options, I was able to even buy a place of my own. A double wide manufactured home on an acre of land, no less! I absolutely loved it! What I didn't enjoy was the one hour commute to work, but I got used to it. The funny thing is that while I loved the rural lifestyle, and by myself, I didn't know to be afraid, of ?? anything, nothing. Bad guys, robbers, wild animals, eh, whatever. Start over #2. After a while of being alone, reclusive, isolated, I ventured out into the online dating world. I really only met one guy, who would be husband #2. I know I married him for all the wrong reasons, but he was good to me, supportive, loving, generous, everything I wanted in a partner. EXCEPT, he was boring. Oh, not at first, because, well, I was invested, I wanted this to work. I never wanted to be "that woman" who was married a bunch of times, and was still single. We stayed married for 9 years (12 total), then I left. I just wasn't happy, and I don't think he was either. He said he was, but how could he be, we never did anything. He was content with staying home, laying on the couch watching NASCAR and golf. I despise TV. I think it is such a waste of time when more productive things can be accomplished. I exaggerate a bit, we did go on nice vacations every year, and I did enjoy myself. As I said, he was a kind and generous man, he saved me from myself, helped me to fix me, and my world view. I wanted for nothing, except happiness. I finally realized only I could make myself happy, and it was not in that marriage. I did return for 6 months at one point, but I had changed, he hadn't. And it was ok. So I left again. Start over #3. Now, five years later, someone had come into my life. Someone I'd known for over 35+ years, an family friend you might say. The most obvious thing happened. I became me. While I was still a mom, nana, sister, daughter, to others, I was finally able to just be me. No masks, no facade, no pretending to be something I wasn't. I just became who I was meant to be. I am not perfect, there are some things I wish I could change about myself, and that old clock is ever ticking, but I am pretty happy and grateful. Start over #4. There is a lot I have left out, but I wanted to pen the highlights, the turning points, that have brought me to this place. The road has been rough in some places, smooth in others. What I know is that I am exactly in the place I am supposed to be at this time in my life. Start over #5?