What am I missing...

Boot camp today was HARD! The humidity was out of this world, it was hot, too, maybe I just wasn't feeling it, or the routine was just plain hard, OR all of the above. Not that I would have, but for the first time in 16 months I doubted I could do it. I didn't like that feeling at all! I finished the class, after talking myself through it, one exercise, one rep at a time. And now, here I am at home, showered, a healthy dinner in my tummy, a nice storm outside, some low rumbling thunder, every now and then flash of lightning. Just another Friday night, and here I am, home. Welcome to my life! I was feeling kind of blue earlier as I was warming up my dinner. Do I miss some things like going out, going to the movies, having a drink with someone, out, maybe just companionship of someone to talk to. Maybe. Intimacy, yes, and though intimacy comes in many different forms, not just the physical, although I miss that too, if truth be told. Am I missing something? Is life passing me by, and I'm not on the ride? I've actually been feeling something is missing, but I can't put my finger on it, or figure out what it is. I do know there is a lesson in this feeling. I am paying attention. In the silence and stillness, the answer will come. Talk soon...

Where have I been?

To put it mildly, life happened to me. All the drama, busyness, stress (most of it self-imposed), and such! Starting with soccer. Both Anthony and Ailani play soccer, a sport they both love. Come to think of it, I am quite enjoying it too! I love watching them play. Ailani is playing on an all girl team, and to see each of the girls grow, evolve, not just with their soccer skills, but mature as young ladies. Of course, there are times their 11-12ishness comes out, and I have to remind myself that I was once that age...a very long time ago. It has to be hard being 11 years old, female, and competing in a typically male dominated sport. I remember when Ailani played co-ed, and the boys were so mean. They hardly passed to the girls, and if the girls made a mistake (come on, they're 11!), they would not hesitate to call them out. Yet, when their male counter parts made a mistake, oh wait, they didn't make mistakes! Anthony, on the other hand, plays with a group of really talented, highly competitive young men, about 13-14 years old. Each one has a large personality, but there isn't any ego, each brings a gift to the table (or soccer field), and each is respected for that contribution. Anthony just started playing last year, and has a long way to go to be at the level of the other boys, but he plays with heart. His team mates have embraced him, and respect his contribution. There have been a couple of games where the Spartans have been ahead by at least 5 points, so coach will "red light" the team, meaning just dribble on the field, but do not score again, until he gives the "green light" to do so. It has been on those occasions that Operation Anthony comes into play. The team will strategically execute, and allow Anthony to score! GGGGOOOOOAAAALLL!! It gives him such a confidence boost! I also respect Coach Gus & Coach Gabe, both have embraced Anthony, taken him under their wing, and will make a soccer player out of him yet! I absolutely love watching both of these kids play a sport I hardly understand. Airas is playing basketball with the YMCA. I also enjoy watching him play. His games only last an hour, and are played all over town. I haven't quite bonded with the parents, like I have with the soccer parents, after all, I am a grandparent not a parent, but I do have an official team t-shirt, so I guess that makes me a groupie! I feel sometimes that Chris puts a lot of pressure on Airas, or Airas puts it on himself wanting to please his dad. I lived that life when Chris was pressured in the same way. What can I do? Why can't he just play the sport he loves and have FUN?? My parents, thank God, are doing well, still going to the casino every Sunday, and sometimes during the week as well. They are quite savvy on which slot machine pay "good", and which ones do not! They don't get the whole gambling concept, that it is all by chance, no they "know". And maybe they do, they don't make a ton of money, but they rarely come home with less than $100 each in their pockets. Their winnings allow them to play again, so no dipping into their "real" money! They are a trip! Work continues to be stressful, busy, and while I have taken some time off this year, it isn't enough to refresh, renew, recycle myself. I end up returning to work to over 400 e-mails, and it is virtually impossible to catch up. One e-mail at a time is all I can do, right? Speaking of time off, as a family, we are going to Las Vegas end of July to celebrate mom & dad's 60th wedding anniversary! They will probably outlast us at the slots, and certainly in winning, but I am looking forward to making memories with the fam bam! Hope we still like each other when we return.

January Ends

Here it is almost the end of the first month of the new year. Time is just flying by, literally! I read somewhere, that the closer we get to the "end" of our life, whenever that is, time appears to go faster, because, well, we are closer to the end of our life. I remember when I hit 50, it was the realization that I had already lived OVER half of my life. I was closer to the end of my life than to the beginning of it. I accept, because what choice do I have, that the end of my life is imminent. Death & taxes! Oh by the way, tax season is upon us. UGH! The whole election process this year has made me more aware of how the outcome affects me. While I feel so very fortunate to have a job, and basically support myself, what does my future hold? I am single income so I don't see retirement in my near future, but, physically, how long can my body hold out, what about my mind? The reality is that I can't do massage, not physically, and at this point, I have forgotten so much of what I learned that I really don't feel comfortable giving someone a massage, and be confident that I am addressing the client's needs. Besides, I have not renewed my AMTA insurance (costs money), and my AZ massage license expires in June (more money). In order to renew my MT license, I have to take CEU's, yet, more money! It is cost prohibitive to absorb all these costs! Anyway, getting back to the election, Trump will never be my president. I don't like what he stands for, his total lack of integrity, he is a liar, is not in touch with us, the American people, and he is basically, a narcissist. I feel I had to unfollow some FB friends, I just don't want to read that type of rhetoric, not on my page. My choice.

Mental Attitude

This is week 4 of Boot Camp, which means, it. Is. Hard. The pep talk touched on mental challenges, no not that way, but how we allow our mind to limit us in so many ways. I've always said that anything I do, is driven by my mind, what I think I can do, and what I think I can't do. If I think I can't do something, chances are, I won't do it because I've already convinced myself that I can't. However, if I think I can, if I believe I can, I will, no matter how impossible it may seem (to a point). So today, as we were running suicide drills, my body started to feel "lightheaded", "short of breath" (hello, we were running), and almost as if my vision was tunneled. Now, was I really feeling like this physically, because I just didn't want to do this, or was I really feeling this way because I hadn't had enough to eat. Maybe a little of both, but I thought, "no, this is not going to beat me, I am going to give my 100% of what I have, however large or small that is". I got right back in there, continued the drills, and they did not get any easier, rather, they got harder as I tired more and more. But, I did it! Perhaps it wasn't even pretty, but I came out on top. I was proud of myself, and my team, as we all persevered and finished strong! Two more classes of week 4, and we start over again next week at the beginning! I feel stronger, I feel capable (most of the time), and mentally, I feel more focused & my endurance has increased. Oh, and I did 22 push ups, too! I've also started logging my food on the My Fitness Pal app, and it has made me more aware of how much I am eating, and what I am eating. It is an eye opener, and I am committed to log everything, no matter how unhealthy or boozey, because, hey, I am only cheating myself, right? I also ordered a FitBit to track my exercise, as if Boot Camp wasn't enough! Anyway, talk soon...

Another Friday Night

Not sure what is going on with my knee, but this is the second week that I am in pain. It started on or about Labor Day, laying pavers. At first, I thought it was the bending down/over to pick them up, but I thought I was careful to use correct form, you know, use the legs not the back to lift. Maybe what I thought I was doing right, I was doing wrong. I continued doing Boot Camp, because, quite honestly, when I am active, it doesn't hurt. It is when I sit for long periods of time, read: work, that it stiffens up. The suckiest part of this is that now it is BOTH knees that are messed up. Don't get old, my friends, don't get old! This week's Boot Camp still had a fair amount of running, though mostly strength, and today, we did Power Yoga. Don't get me wrong, it was still a workout, still got the heart rate up, and lots of stretching. We had a pep talk, but no sharing. I kind of missed that part. The other "odd" thing I noticed was when we were in savasana, and Carie was providing a meditation, I felt an emotional release. I had to tamp it down. That hasn't happened to me before in yoga. Full moon tonight, and it was HUGE! It started coming up behind the Rincons as I was driving home from Boot Camp, and by the time I got home, it was high enough that I could see it through my living room windows. I wish I could have sat outside, nice cool evening, but being the big ol' fraidy cat I am, here I am, 8:30 pm on a Friday night, with the alarm already armed. Welcome to my boring life! Two soccer games tomorrow, early enough to bypass the heat, I hope. Then on to mom's, whose TV is on the blink. She has asked me to call a repair shop to check it out, but quite honestly, it may be less expensive to just buy a new one. Flat screens are not that expensive any more, and due to the age of the broken one, it may be more economical in the long run. Of course, they just replaced their refrigerator earlier in the week to the tune of $1K, so maybe not! Talk soon...

Another Friday Night

Not sure what is going on with my knee, but this is the second week that I am in pain. It started on or about Labor Day, laying pavers. At first, I thought it was the bending down/over to pick them up, but I thought I was careful to use correct form, you know, use the legs not the back to lift. Maybe what I thought I was doing right, I was doing wrong. I continued doing Boot Camp, because, quite honestly, when I am active, it doesn't hurt. It is when I sit for long periods of time, read: work, that it stiffens up. The suckiest part of this is that now it is BOTH knees that are messed up. Don't get old, my friends, don't get old! This week's Boot Camp still had a fair amount of running, though mostly strength, and today, we did Power Yoga. Don't get me wrong, it was still a workout, still got the heart rate up, and lots of stretching. We had a pep talk, but no sharing. I kind of missed that part. The other "odd" thing I noticed was when we were in savasana, and Carie was providing a meditation, I felt an emotional release. I had to tamp it down. That hasn't happened to me before in yoga. Full moon tonight, and it was HUGE! It started coming up behind the Rincons as I was driving home from Boot Camp, and by the time I got home, it was high enough that I could see it through my living room windows. I wish I could have sat outside, nice cool evening, but being the big ol' fraidy cat I am, here I am, 8:30 pm on a Friday night, with the alarm already armed. Welcome to my boring life! Two soccer games tomorrow, early enough to bypass the heat, I hope. Then on to mom's, whose TV is on the blink. She has asked me to call a repair shop to check it out, but quite honestly, it may be less expensive to just buy a new one. Flat screens are not that expensive any more, and due to the age of the broken one, it may be more economical in the long run. Of course, they just replaced their refrigerator earlier in the week to the tune of $1K, so maybe not! Talk soon...

22/22

A couple of weeks ago, or really only 20 days ago, I was challenged to do 22 push up per day for 22 days. What? I can't even do ONE push up off my knees, and even then, I am unable to go all the way chest to the ground. What possessed me to think I could do this this challenge? Oh, and, the rule was to videotape it and post it on Facebook! I accepted the challenge, because to be tagged and not do it, would have been worse, especially by Facebook standards. So here I am 20 days in, only 2 more days to go. But this isn't about me. The challenge was accepted to bring awareness to the cause that 22 veterans take their lives every day. More suffer from PTSD, and could, very likely, become a statistic. I have to say that this touched me deeply. Not only were my dad and tata, both veterans, my niece's husband is a vet, my cousin is currently active military, another cousin's son just completed boot camp last month. I was just talking to my 15 year old grandson this past weekend, and he talked about joining the military. I never knew he had that inkling! I have to say, though, I am very proud of him, he is already thinking about his future. Perhaps because 9/11 is just a couple of days away, the US suffered its worst terrorist attach on home soil, I am just feeling more patriotic than usual. I don't fly a flag (my dad does), but I can't even get through the Star Spangled Banner at sporting events without choking up. Anyway, I am almost done with the 22 days, and I am not quite sure how I will feel about it once it is complete. I do believe I will continue to do the 22 pushups per day, I just won't be posting it on FB, but surely, I will be thinking about the reason why I started doing them in the first place. Talk soon...